Monday, January 19, 2015

Happy New Year 2015

I didn't write for all of 2014 because it was a year of blessings and a year of suffering. Living between those two extremes, feeling conflicted and confused about the world, what does one have to say? And so 2015 begins with an end to 2014's suffering, Mom died on January 6th. My happy, beautiful, funny, sweet mother. We left her in Rehovot Cemetary during the sandstorm, hours before the big winter rains came in. Her year of battling cancer is over, and though I imagine she's in a better place now, her absence leaves me alone with just questions and memories.
I'm not ready to eulogize her yet. Rather, as time goes on, I find myself more and more speechless. How could she have been taken away? What do we learn from illness, from death, from losing a loved one, from a world that is less one big, beautiful, amazing soul? I don't have answers, I just have my memories of a perfect mother, and a heroic woman who I can only strive to emulate.
But then there are the practicalities. I really miss her. I wish I could pick up my phone and call her like I used to every day. I wish she'd come and walk to the park with me and the kids. I wish she'd teach me how to make strudel. I wish we could have tried playing golf again together, ridiculous and giggly as we were that day. I wish I wish I wish.

And then the blessings. A baby girl born in July. A little lovebug kind of baby who loves her cheeks to be kissed and to be held close while I do everything. She looks adoringly at her big sister who loves her with a full and open heart. They make each other laugh, and I am so glad that they have one other. Every girl needs a sister. That's what Mom used to say. She gave me two.